F.E.A.R.

Recently I had the displeasure of being coached by a powerful and influential man. He called me because someone I know referred me to him, and she gave him my phone number. I didn't mind. I mean, oh my god, this guy who is busy and coaches for ten hours a day and conducts workshops and seminars and raises up millionaires called me on the phone. I returned his call right away. So he asked me how he could help me. I told him I needed guidance on how to be a successful network marketer. Then, after about 30 minutes of deep and painful questions, and five minutes of insulting assessment, I hired the guy. I didn't know why. I didn’t even know how much he charged. But what he said to me, how he assessed me, how he inquisitively probed my psyche and my soul... it really affected me. I cried. I was pissed off. And honestly, I didn’t like him one bit. But I was resolute. I didn't know why, but I knew this guy could possibly be what I needed to shake me up enough and force me to really look deep at the reasons I was holding myself back.

That's right, I said "holding myself back". I am my main obstacle to my success. My self-limiting beliefs are another obstacle. Maybe that’s one in the same. I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll find out. I feared things, but what were those things? That night after he coached me, I had a dream, but that dream will be shared another time, perhaps in my memoir that I am in the process of writing. We'll see. But when I awoke the next morning, I experienced a clarity about something in my life that I had only considered half-heartedly, and thought that I had overcome it anyway, so why bother to consider it any further. Friday morning, the day after the coaching session, I asked myself "what am I afraid of?" Now when I have answered that question in the past, the answer has usually been "I'm afraid of failing." But then someone offered the suggestion that perhaps I was afraid of succeeding. No, neither of those felt right to me, neither of those resonated as truth in my soul. What am I afraid of... what am I afraid of... what am I afraid of...

I am afraid that it's true that I suck. I am afraid that it's true that I really can't do it. I'm afraid that I really don't have what it takes to be successful. I'm afraid that whatever I set out to accomplish will be just a pipe dream. I’m not a poker player, but I see my F.E.A.R. and I raise it "so what's next?" I felt my fear at that moment of clarity, and I know this to be true because emotions welled up inside me, a dread and a doom that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the feelings, and then I empathized with that scared little girl inside of me, and said "Okay, that's what's going on now, and it's okay that you're feeling these emotions, because it is scary and it is a little unsettling. Now, what’s next for you?” At that time, the adult woman inside said “I acknowledge you, scary fear-monster, and I set you free. I want peace in my spirit, at the core of who I am; peace and fear cannot coexist, just as love and hate cannot coexist.” And it was at that moment that I decided to release the fear and feel the peace of which I am so deserving, a peace that I haven’t quite entertained in the past. Yeah, I know, I have read Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, Eckart Tolle, and other spiritually affirming books. I’ve tried yoga. I’ve tried positive self-talk. And although continuing reading these types of books written by inspirational people will keep reminding me to sit in and with peace, only I have the power to keep myself there.

But one thing is certain: since feeling, empathizing, acknowledging and releasing my F.E.A.R., suddenly I was able to move through my day with a different kind of confidence, and, dare I say, a peace inside that fills me with a belief in what I do and the reasons I do it, and more importantly, a belief in myself. So, do I like the guy? Right now I don’t think so, but I do respect him. And do I think he’s going to rock my world? Absolutely!